


Memories

by HumanJukebox



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2020-03-01 01:08:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18789937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HumanJukebox/pseuds/HumanJukebox
Summary: 'Charity was standing in the kitchen, mindlessly drying the used dishes from breakfast as she stared out of the window. She had rarely taken the time lately to think back on her life, to let her mind wander back to old memories and to comprehend how much her life had changed in the past few years.'Or;A slow morning has Charity thinking back on her past





	Memories

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first venture into writing for this couple(even though this is just Charity). The idea comes from a list of themes I compiled; I have more one-shots(some a little longer) for this couple and their family to come. Hope you like the first one I managed to complete :)

**Memories**

 

It was a rainy Saturday afternoon that found Charity looking after the two youngest boys while Vanessa was out on calls all day. The boys were playing together at the table in front of the couch, while an episode of Paw Patrol played on the telly. 

Charity was standing in the kitchen, mindlessly drying the used dishes from breakfast as she stared out of the window. The tapping sounds of the rain hitting the windows and the playful growls the boys were making went by almost unnoticed as her mind slowly started to drift off.

She had rarely taken the time lately to think back on her life, to let her mind wander back to old memories and to comprehend how much her life had changed in the past few years.

Most of her memories of growing up had some kind of trauma attached to them. Manifesting as scars that she’d always been too afraid to pick at and to look back on. Her life had basically been one big dark cloud.

Starting with her mother dying when Charity was young; too young to remember much of her mother at all. And the discovery that her mother had committed suicide while she’d always believed her mother had been ill and had passed away from cancer was like a punch to her gut and brought with it a long list of questions as to why she had done so.

Why had her mother resorted to taking her own life? Was it because of Charity? Had she been too difficult as a child, like she was now as a grown-up as well? Had she even wanted children? Had something bad happened to her?

Or, was it because of her dad? Charity mostly remembers him as an angry, bible-bashing drunk. Lashing out at anything and everything Charity ever did or said, even raising his hand once in a while. Had he been like that when her mother had been alive too?

Even though she loathed her father for how he treated her, for how malicious he had been for forcing her to give Debbie away and then to kick her out on the streets, a part of her still wanted to believe he wasn’t truly  _ this _ evil. So she’d clung onto the only good memory she had left of him.

The one of him taking her to the beach every day one summer, sharing a box of her favorite chocolates and holding her hand tightly as they walked along the water, feeling the waves crash against their ankles.

But that disastrous meeting with him after all those years, hearing some truths she hadn’t expected and the angry, bitter old man she saw━the one who still to this day blamed  _ her _ for  _ his _ wrongdoings━had wiped any goodness about him away.

As she had driven back home that day, she had come to a freeing realization that she truly didn’t care anymore. That she didn’t need him. She hadn’t needed him for most of her life and she really doesn’t need him at all now.

Most of her memories of growing up had been tainted with darkness and trauma. Having to fend for herself on the streets; waiting and sleeping in the cold. Selling herself so she’d be able to get herself something to eat. Fighting for survival in one way or another.

Meeting Bails was without a doubt the darkest period of her life. The only good thing that had come out of that was Ryan. Even though she had to live through the trauma of believing that her son had died for 27 years until she found out that her son had actually survived.

So many things in her life had gone wrong. Falling for the wrong men, scheming wealthy men just so she knew that for that period of time she’d be ‘taken care’ of; having a place to live in and food on the table without having to resort to selling her body. At least those times it would be on  _ her _ terms, and not others who thought they could just do anything they wanted to her.

Charity has a lot of regrets and she has made a lot of mistakes. She has tried to do better but for some reason, whenever she tries to make up for her faults, she ends up making it worse.

The only good things in her life had been her kids, and even though she hadn’t wanted any more kids, she wouldn’t change having Noah or Moses. However, if she could change the places and the circumstances around their births, she would in a heartbeat.

She will never be the best mum, but she tries. She would do anything for them and the love she has for them grows every day.

Charity had never allowed herself to heal from her past mistakes, from past traumatic events. She had closed herself off and just went on with life. Putting on a mask and pretending she was okay. Becoming a snarky, sarcastic person who would spit harsh truths to make others back down; Hurt others before they hurt you.

Because that was all she could do to survive; all she knew how to do to make it through another day. And that’s what she continued to do every day; being mean and  _ never _ ,  _ ever _ letting anyone see how much she herself was hurting inside.

It had taken Vanessa, wonderful and amazing Vanessa, to make Charity see and truly believe that she was good enough. That it was okay to  _ not _ be okay, and that she didn’t have to hide herself away. That she could start to become the person she truly was deep inside.

Vanessa was the perfect match for her in ways she didn’t even realize she had needed. She was never afraid to put Charity back in her place, never afraid to speak her mind, and never afraid in showing Charity that she was loved. Something Charity had been craving but was afraid to admit to herself.

And with Vanessa, those old, dark memories━some easier to forget and some she could never forget and would come back to haunt her in the middle of the night━started to give way for more happier and lighter memories.

Her troubled relationships with her four kids and with family members had become better and stronger too in the time she spent with Vanessa.

Debbie and her kids would try to come over each Sunday to have dinner with them or to just spend an afternoon together. Noah and she still had their squabbles, both too similar to each other for their own good, but the love and trust between them had been growing with each passing moment.

Moses was starting to become his own person. And that included being a cheeky, wiggly, curious little boy. The mischief and trouble the boy often got himself━and his silent partner-in-crime in the form of a certain Johnny Woodfield━in reminded Charity of herself, and a young Noah.

The family life she and Vanessa had created with each other was something Charity had never thought she’d have. Not after all that had happened in her life. She thought she’d always be alone, feeling hollow and empty inside, struggling each day to survive and not screw things up so badly that they were irreversible.

Charity truly doesn’t know what would’ve become of her or if she would've learned how to be her true self if it wasn’t for Vanessa and her unwavering love and support.

“Char’ty!” Johnny’s voice pulls her away from her thoughts and memories; from the small realizations she’d only just made. She hadn’t even realized she’d zoned out and had been so far away.

Shaking her head to clear the fog from her mind, she turns in her spot in front of the kitchen counter and looks down at him, “What’s up, Johnnybobs?”

“We play outside now?” he asks her, his big blue eyes that are so like his mother’s gazing up at her.

It takes Charity a moment to realize what he just asked her. She remembers the promise she’d made him and Moses earlier━when the two of them were gazing out of the windows watching the rain beat down on the ground━that they could play outside once it had cleared up again.

Looking out of the windows now, noticing that the rain had indeed stopped and that the sun was even poking through the clouds, she nods her head before crouching down in front of him. With a big smile on her face, she tells him, “Let’s go put them wellies and coats on. We got some puddles to jump in.”

As she watches Johnny excitedly run over towards Moses and pull him over to the front door, she can’t help but let out another smile and shakes her head. After the life she’d had, and the crap she had been through, she had never expected to be here, being happy and feeling light.

The dark memories still remain, tucked away in the back of the mind, having always had a hold on her. But the new memories, the good ones she’s currently making with her family, those are the ones  _ she _ ’s going to start to hold on to now.

And maybe,  _ maybe _ , one day, the lighter memories will have outnumbered the darker ones.

 


End file.
